My View of the Abyss, Day 1.

Four years.

Four years since my last post. Since my last attempt at trying to say something...ANYTHING.

And here I am, at the end of 2023, unemployed, struggling with a slowly dwindling bank account, unemployment running out in 6 weeks. I fought like hell for my partner to live in 2022, bent over backwards and put us further in debt while I was in work limbo (work paying me and maintaining insurance to preserve me for a new project that never materialized).

Last year was hard.

This year things slowly fell apart.

Work gave up trying to find me a project, releasing me from the company with two months salary and a fond farewell. Come back if you see a new project you'd like to work on. Unemployment is now in week 20 of 26. It's the holidays, but with no way to celebrate due to shortfall of funds.

I've prepared to not pay my debts for the first time in over a decade. My credit score will probably end up dropping 200 points. But we have to stretch every penny to survive longer.

February comes, our existence may get frightening.

I'm researching food banks, any sort of grant support. It's as if the world doesn't care.

Now, I"m also in my late 50's, my body failing, no way to work a normal job, remote work is non-existent or salaried for someone much younger and just starting out.

I'm looking to sell valuables just so we can keep the lights on and internet connected.

I have been stressed and depressed in the past.

I have never felt more strongly that maybe George Bailey had the right idea after all.

I'm worn out, broken down, and feel I have nothing left to give. And no one wants me, anyway.

The abyss of the future looks darker than ever. I don't see a way out.

Praying for a miracle, but beginning to think no one's listening. Or they are and are just indifferent. I've seriously considered switching off for good, only to be afraid I'd fail at doing that and just make things even worse.

As John Lithgow once asked: "Is there anybody out there? Anybody at all?"

Disappointment

Since November, my spouse has been cared for by my grandson's girlfriend when I'm not here. She was homeless and recovering, and needing a residence away from a woman's shelter. We took her in, gave her room, board, and a small bi-weekly stipend that we could afford to help with cleaning in the house and help her get on and off the bus that the missus takes to dialysis. Today she left us all, abandoned us with her tax return and bailed. As I've said on social media, I'm not mad, but damn, I'm severely disappointed. We'd suspected her of taking cosmetics and toiletry supplies, even though we repeatedly insisted on purchasing whatever she may need. We gave her a home, she just threw it away today without looking over her shoulder. I know it wasn't a perfect life, but damn. I'm not even going into the missing pharmaceuticals that we're now sure she took. Medicines that my wife needed post-sureries for pain. Damnit. Part of me wants to scream, but it won't do any good. But now we're without a lot of help that my wife needs. I want to be closer to home, to work from here if I could. But we need the income to survive with my job 30 miles away, and the insurance it provides. This changes things. I cannot kill myself for my job anymore. The raises every year are steady, but miniscule, and it's no longer rewarding. I like the work, but it's again all stats and no support. Time for changes, but with a lot of planning and forethought. Damn.

Consistency, and farewell G+

Well, so much for consistency. Warming up for Nano last year fell flat when suddenly we lost our help at home, leading up to my wife's sudden but not unexpected drop in kidney function pushed us to make a lot of lifestyle changes. Anyone who says kidney dialysis is no big deal and easy to settle into a routine with needs to be punched in the head repeatedly. With a bunch of over-ripe bananas. So, needless to say, my drive to write took a hike yet again. Only to be crippled even further by losing two laptops in a row to GPU failure. Needless to say, it's been a rough couple of months since my last broadcast. And now I'm driven harder to write now that Google+ is shutting its doors forever tomorrow. Setting up shop here yet again...because what else am I gonna do? See you when I see you. Hopefully soon.

And again?

Wow...almost a whole year. Again. Well, circumstances being what they may, I'm pushing my lazy ass to firing up the broadcast antennas and getting us back on the air again. I hope some of you will hold me to this. Last year's efforts with Nano got thrown by the wayside hard by the reality buzzsaw. After helping Shadow, or permakitten feral who we finally got comfortable with us enough to pickup, cuddle, and pet without losing a pound of flesh, across the rainbow bridge in October, Sammi, the abandoned starving Siamese we took in succumbed as well to age and kidney failure. It ripped pretty much all joy out of my heart for the month. I'm fighting my way back through the sheer insanity of the world and a few physical and psychic repairs, so I turned my thoughts back to RFG after so long. I was still reluctant to come back in and put word to screen again, but the closing of G+ today was the last straw. Facebook is a cacophonous fugue of disparate voices. I find a lot of sanity amongst friends there, but I realized today just how stressful and glaring their site really is. As I scrolled through G+ tonight, I realized just how calming it always has been there, and the creative flow I felt with posts here, too. So here I am again. I'll leave the transmitters on. Hopefully I'll broadcast again tomorrow.