My View of the Abyss, Day 1.

Four years.

Four years since my last post. Since my last attempt at trying to say something...ANYTHING.

And here I am, at the end of 2023, unemployed, struggling with a slowly dwindling bank account, unemployment running out in 6 weeks. I fought like hell for my partner to live in 2022, bent over backwards and put us further in debt while I was in work limbo (work paying me and maintaining insurance to preserve me for a new project that never materialized).

Last year was hard.

This year things slowly fell apart.

Work gave up trying to find me a project, releasing me from the company with two months salary and a fond farewell. Come back if you see a new project you'd like to work on. Unemployment is now in week 20 of 26. It's the holidays, but with no way to celebrate due to shortfall of funds.

I've prepared to not pay my debts for the first time in over a decade. My credit score will probably end up dropping 200 points. But we have to stretch every penny to survive longer.

February comes, our existence may get frightening.

I'm researching food banks, any sort of grant support. It's as if the world doesn't care.

Now, I"m also in my late 50's, my body failing, no way to work a normal job, remote work is non-existent or salaried for someone much younger and just starting out.

I'm looking to sell valuables just so we can keep the lights on and internet connected.

I have been stressed and depressed in the past.

I have never felt more strongly that maybe George Bailey had the right idea after all.

I'm worn out, broken down, and feel I have nothing left to give. And no one wants me, anyway.

The abyss of the future looks darker than ever. I don't see a way out.

Praying for a miracle, but beginning to think no one's listening. Or they are and are just indifferent. I've seriously considered switching off for good, only to be afraid I'd fail at doing that and just make things even worse.

As John Lithgow once asked: "Is there anybody out there? Anybody at all?"

Disappointment

Since November, my spouse has been cared for by my grandson's girlfriend when I'm not here. She was homeless and recovering, and needing a residence away from a woman's shelter. We took her in, gave her room, board, and a small bi-weekly stipend that we could afford to help with cleaning in the house and help her get on and off the bus that the missus takes to dialysis. Today she left us all, abandoned us with her tax return and bailed. As I've said on social media, I'm not mad, but damn, I'm severely disappointed. We'd suspected her of taking cosmetics and toiletry supplies, even though we repeatedly insisted on purchasing whatever she may need. We gave her a home, she just threw it away today without looking over her shoulder. I know it wasn't a perfect life, but damn. I'm not even going into the missing pharmaceuticals that we're now sure she took. Medicines that my wife needed post-sureries for pain. Damnit. Part of me wants to scream, but it won't do any good. But now we're without a lot of help that my wife needs. I want to be closer to home, to work from here if I could. But we need the income to survive with my job 30 miles away, and the insurance it provides. This changes things. I cannot kill myself for my job anymore. The raises every year are steady, but miniscule, and it's no longer rewarding. I like the work, but it's again all stats and no support. Time for changes, but with a lot of planning and forethought. Damn.

Consistency, and farewell G+

Well, so much for consistency. Warming up for Nano last year fell flat when suddenly we lost our help at home, leading up to my wife's sudden but not unexpected drop in kidney function pushed us to make a lot of lifestyle changes. Anyone who says kidney dialysis is no big deal and easy to settle into a routine with needs to be punched in the head repeatedly. With a bunch of over-ripe bananas. So, needless to say, my drive to write took a hike yet again. Only to be crippled even further by losing two laptops in a row to GPU failure. Needless to say, it's been a rough couple of months since my last broadcast. And now I'm driven harder to write now that Google+ is shutting its doors forever tomorrow. Setting up shop here yet again...because what else am I gonna do? See you when I see you. Hopefully soon.

And again?

Wow...almost a whole year. Again. Well, circumstances being what they may, I'm pushing my lazy ass to firing up the broadcast antennas and getting us back on the air again. I hope some of you will hold me to this. Last year's efforts with Nano got thrown by the wayside hard by the reality buzzsaw. After helping Shadow, or permakitten feral who we finally got comfortable with us enough to pickup, cuddle, and pet without losing a pound of flesh, across the rainbow bridge in October, Sammi, the abandoned starving Siamese we took in succumbed as well to age and kidney failure. It ripped pretty much all joy out of my heart for the month. I'm fighting my way back through the sheer insanity of the world and a few physical and psychic repairs, so I turned my thoughts back to RFG after so long. I was still reluctant to come back in and put word to screen again, but the closing of G+ today was the last straw. Facebook is a cacophonous fugue of disparate voices. I find a lot of sanity amongst friends there, but I realized today just how stressful and glaring their site really is. As I scrolled through G+ tonight, I realized just how calming it always has been there, and the creative flow I felt with posts here, too. So here I am again. I'll leave the transmitters on. Hopefully I'll broadcast again tomorrow.

Back again...again.

Hey. It's been a while. November arrives yet again, and I'm giving a stab at NaNoWriMo to at least get my writing muscles back into shape. I'm too long lapsed from writing. So I'm writing again, and I'll be posting here again various things just to get the words flowing again. Who knows? Maybe something productive will come of this. Good to see you all again, if anyone is still reading here.

Dusting off the cobwebs...

Wow...almost three years??? *blinks* Wow...I really need to spruce this place up a bit. I'll get to work on that.

Not quite a year, but I'm back...kinda.

Test test test...

Writing sprint. Hmmm.

Well, at least I'm writing. It's been a long time since i've given my writing chops an outlet...not for lack of wanting to , but for the typical writing fear of being afraid of my own voice. Trying to figure out why the heck someone would still be interested in what I'm writing. I don't know. I just hope I can come up with something worthwile in this.

For those of you who haven't followed me for long, and I know I haven't had much here in the past few years, this is my little soapbox on the net. Here I've spouted concerns, frustrations, joys, and sorrows. I have really wanted to get back into the swing of things and write daily. But I've just found it so terribly difficult--again, just being afraid of my own voice. I suppose, as Mur Lafferty would say, afraid of sucking in public.

I just have to give myself the right to suck. And suck I will...those of you who've read my tweets--a lot of times I'm totally off the wall in my comments, but I know I do have some clarity on occasion. I'm hoping I do, anyway.

Regardless, this is just an exercise to write for ten minutes along with two of my favorite up-and-coming writers in a writing sprint to just come up with something. And that's what this is for me. My psyche standing behind the writer "me" prodding him along with a pitchfork and getting the writer me's ass moving.

Crap, I had to mention the ass-moving. I jumped headlong into Dan Sawyer's Great Ass-Moving experiment just after Balticon before last (2010, I'm thinking), and while I KNEW I'd owe someone $10 at the end of the run, I really wanted to write something to get out to at least get rejected. Instead, I didn't write a damn thing other than a few hundred tweets and Facebook messages.

And that's the thing. I WANTED to write.

I didn't just DO it.

That's the thing. All the eps I've listened to I SHOULD BE WRITING, all the writer podcasts I listen to--all of them say the same thing. The most important thing is just putting butt to chair and WRITE!

Thank you, Pip, for offering this tonight. This is rough, and I'm editing a little as I go even though I should just let it flow and get it out on paper. But it's done. I hope you all will keep me on the straight and narrow--riding my ass daily to write at least SOMETHING a day.

Time, gentlemen! Thanks for the sprint! :)

Another trip 'round the sun...

In about 8 hours, give or take a bit, I'll officially make the 45 year mark of being alive.

Meh.

Honestly, I've felt kind of down about this birthday. Haven't made much progress on the home front. I'm still in the same job in the same position doing the same thing day in and day out. Relax, I'm thankful I even HAVE a job right now. It's just another year of stagnation.

Health hasn't been the greatest, and for the first time I'm really fighting to keep mobile. But, as always, I keep trudging onward.

Eh, more later. Gotta keep moving on.

Giving in to the Muse...

I know, I'm finding any reason not to write. It's too hot...I have too much laundry to do...I can't focus right now...I have to lead the troops in battle to beat back the Zerg, for crying out loud!
Well, the Muse has tickled the writing bone and I need to write a few things out. I've got another post in mind after this, but this feels a bit more important right now.

Best wishes to Tee Morris and his daughter, Sonic Boom. You both have been through so much this year. I wish you both the greatest joy and the smoothest road in the coming months and years. Safe travels in the coming months and godspeed!

Best wishes to Philippa Ballentine. You've taken a great leap of faith for your calling and your dream. I know you have a horde of fans and "family" who are backing you and cheering you on all the way (present company included!). It's been wonderful hearing your impressions of American life from a different perspective. Good journey on your way back to NZ, and godspeed!

Best wishes to Brand Gamblin, Allison Duncan, and Elf Princess. As I learned of the sad news earlier this year that's impacted Tee and SB, I first learned of your ordeal, and ironically through that, your wonderful creative endeavors. I hope your faith in humanity has been rekindled a bit, and for what it's worth, this fan's cheering you on to succeed in all that you do.

Geez, I could keep this up all night with all the budding newcoming writers and podcasters--all of which are my heroes and inspirations for writing: Nobilis Reed, Chris Lester, Wil Wheaton (Yes, THAT Wil Wheaton!), Kimi Alexander, Nathan Lowell, Paulette Jaxton, P.C. Haring, Scott Sigler, P.G. Holyfield, Mur Lafferty, J.R. Blackwell, Jared Axelrod, O.M. Grey, J. Daniel Sawyer (it's his bet that has me writing again-and believe me I'm pulling up the rear in the contest!), Gail Carriger, Steve Eley, Christiana Ellis...ugh, I know i'm forgetting people...this feels like an Oscar acceptance speech!

You'll hear me mention these folks more in detail in the future, but I wanted to thank all of them for all that they do, how much I've enjoyed what they've created, and how much I've learned from all your creations. Thanks you so much, all of you, and I wish you all the greatest continued success--not that it'll be all that hard, because you all are brilliant, in my humble opinion!

Ok...got that Muse-packed bundle out of my head and into written form. Next!

Drinking the ocean from a cocktail straw

I love Mur Lafferty.

Aside from being from my beloved birth state, she calls it how she sees it, pulls no punches, and constantly reminds me that I Should Be Writing!

Now, I'm a self-admitted Apple fanboy. I've loved working with Apple computers since my first Apple ][+ I bought with my own hard-earned money back in 1980. But Apple, AT&T, and the New York Times have incurred the wrath of Ms. Lafferty's rapier tongue, and I am amazed that my beloved Apple could repeatedly be this dense.

Mur posted THIS a few days ago, and I wholeheartedly have to agree with her on calling out the computer company that I dearly love.

We've been through what, Apple? Three iterations of the iPhone now? Then throw in the 3G iPad that the world is snapping up to the tune of how many millions of units? The whole time you stick with the miniscule pipeline of AT&T for your phone company you chose to go with, and while I know it's taking a while for AT&T to ramp up it's network to accept the bandwidth that the hordes of iPhone/iPad users are consuming at a staggering pace...but damn! Promise an unlimited plan, then recind it, trapping all your users with virtually DOUBLE early termination fees and completely cripple your fanbase. And then here comes the New York Times calling those folks who complain data hogs and admonishes them for the consumption that they've been promised! WTF?

My one correction I'd like to point out to Mur--the iPad has both a WiFi and a 3G model, so you can still get an iPad with the same functionality of your iPod Touch (I'm an 8GB model user myself) and have a much larger work surface. I'm personally wanting an iPad for home use, but would love it if I could use that iPad ANYWHERE I had a 3G signal w/o limits. Otherwise she is dead on with calling out the spin doctors of these guilty parties for backpedalling on the promised service, and geez, NYT! Thanks for making us out to be data hogs for just enjoying what we were promised in the first place!

And yeah, I COULD opt for a Droid or other Android phone--I'd rather have something that works seamlessly with my OS of choice.

So I'm getting off my ass and writing again. Apple and AT&T--time for you to get off of yours and get the pipeline opened up.

Dragging my ass

Ok...I've been at this over two weeks--have I written ANYTHING other than the kickoff to the Ass-Moving contest here? Heck no! Bad writer! Bad!

Ok...public shaming over...carry on.

And so, it begins...again.

"You've taken your first step into a much larger world"
-Obi Wan Kenobi, STAR WARS

"Get off your ass!"
-Pink Flamingo, WONDERFALLS

Those of you who used to frequent the blog here...I'm back.

And I may have just lashed myself to the Great White Whale, but I'm going to enjoy the ride.

I started this blog back in 2004 when i felt that I needed a kick in my ass to get writing again. Whatever the subject, it was just for me to write. Write and get my creative energies flowing once again to tell the tales that have been running through my head.

And there I fell into the worst trap imaginable--I got a readership, and people commenting on my posts.

And it stirred up the fears that so many writers fall prey to: "Who am I kidding? My writing sucks! Nobody cares about my ideas! I had to be crazy to think anyone would care about what I have to say!"

And so I fell silent.

Well, Dan Sawyer has thrown the gauntlet, and I'm gonna step up to the challenge.

Part of me says I'm throwing away $10. But the writer in me wants to prove that other guy wrong.

Dead wrong.

I've written...gotten a lot of support, a lot of criticism, but also a lot of praise. I need my ass moved, and I'm the only one who can do it. It's time to move it.

I've wanted to relaunch RFG for a long while now. Mainly to share with the world the great things that I've found in the Podcasting community--the amazing stories that so many authors have recorded, wether reading their own work solo, or with an ensemble cast.

The new RFG will be partly that. Partly my writing progress report. Partly my free writing warmups.

But I'm writing. It starts here. Things will look pretty basic for now, and it'll be prettied up later on...but for now, I'm writing.

It feels good to be back. Hope you enjoy the ride along with me.