My View of the Abyss, Day 1.

Four years.

Four years since my last post. Since my last attempt at trying to say something...ANYTHING.

And here I am, at the end of 2023, unemployed, struggling with a slowly dwindling bank account, unemployment running out in 6 weeks. I fought like hell for my partner to live in 2022, bent over backwards and put us further in debt while I was in work limbo (work paying me and maintaining insurance to preserve me for a new project that never materialized).

Last year was hard.

This year things slowly fell apart.

Work gave up trying to find me a project, releasing me from the company with two months salary and a fond farewell. Come back if you see a new project you'd like to work on. Unemployment is now in week 20 of 26. It's the holidays, but with no way to celebrate due to shortfall of funds.

I've prepared to not pay my debts for the first time in over a decade. My credit score will probably end up dropping 200 points. But we have to stretch every penny to survive longer.

February comes, our existence may get frightening.

I'm researching food banks, any sort of grant support. It's as if the world doesn't care.

Now, I"m also in my late 50's, my body failing, no way to work a normal job, remote work is non-existent or salaried for someone much younger and just starting out.

I'm looking to sell valuables just so we can keep the lights on and internet connected.

I have been stressed and depressed in the past.

I have never felt more strongly that maybe George Bailey had the right idea after all.

I'm worn out, broken down, and feel I have nothing left to give. And no one wants me, anyway.

The abyss of the future looks darker than ever. I don't see a way out.

Praying for a miracle, but beginning to think no one's listening. Or they are and are just indifferent. I've seriously considered switching off for good, only to be afraid I'd fail at doing that and just make things even worse.

As John Lithgow once asked: "Is there anybody out there? Anybody at all?"